BUSH FAMILY HITS DYNASTIC SPEED BUMP Since the dawn of RAWK, local bands have been taking pictures of themselves striking ridiculous poses (singer up front, please!) with brick walls looming menacingly in the background, mocking their feeble artistic efforts. Since the dawn of the Internets, RockandRollConfidential.com has provided an ongoing and exhaustive chronicle of this phenomenon, often tracking such "band dude" trends as trucker hats, reverse mullets, dad-in-the-bands, gimmickrock and urinal fetishism from humble beginnings to inglorious demise. Unfortunately, unbridled douchebaggery continues to thrive, despite RRC's best efforts. But it's like they say… sometimes, to keep from crying, you have to laugh your ass off. If you think the bands featured at RRC are shit, wait until you get a load of some of the idiots who've actually managed to produce and distribute their music. What can you say about so-called "pro-lifers" who dedicate their entire lives to blocking women's access to abortions, but who can't give a straight answer when asked what should happen to women who get illegal abortions once restrictions are put in place? Can it really be possible that they haven't given this issue any thought at all? Or are they saving up those vivid revenge/torture fantasies for their nightly sob-wracked finger-bangs and pud-tugs? Many of yer old pal Jerky's friends and acquaintances can't understand why I don't watch the hit HBO mob series, The Sopranos. Well folks, I tried to shield you from this horror, but it's because I happen to know the terrible truth about New Jersey's Italian community. Before you click on the above link, however: fair warning. There is a significant chance that you might be overcome by the chemical funk of hair gel, tanning cream and Axe body-spray that emanates from the images like some form of deadly "Gino" radiation. If you think Pierce "Son of Neil" Bush looks dumber than a box of inflated balloons, wait until you hear him speak. I swear, it's almost like evolution has shifted into reverse or something. From the good folks at Whitehouse.org, here's Preznit Dubya's official nickname list! Guess who showed up for Comedy Central's Jeff Foxworthy Roast? I'll give you a hint. If you voted for him… you might be a redneck. In case you didn't catch it the first time, I just want to repeat this so it doesn't slip under your radar: "I am the JUGGERNAUT, bitch!" This is an impressive real-life recreation of the opening credits from The Simpsons, put together by the SkyTV people, from England. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 9 On this day in 1791, doctor George Hayward becomes the first American surgeon to use ether, the lucky bastard. On this day in 1873, Canada establishes their Royal Canadian Mounted Police force. With uniforms and duties that make them seem like hybrid boy-scout-forest-ranger-peace-keepers, the RCMP -- a.k.a. "the thin scarlet line" -- remain Canada's most popular postcard model subjects. On this day in 1907, the world's first ever eugenics (involuntary sterilization) law is passed, in… the state of Indiana! Might Hitler have been a closet Hoosier? On this day in 1981, the highly entertaining Dan Rather replaces Walter Cronkite as anchorman for the CBS Evening News. It's all downhill from there. On this day in 1997, something called the Senior Golf Slam takes place. Among the event's TV sponsors are Metamucil Code Red, the Rascal Cruzer elder-scooter, and PamPrrrs X-Treme adult diapers.

THEY SAID IT! "There's no reason why someone can't go down there who's supposed to be the leader of the free world and say, 'I'm giving you a job to do and I'm not leaving here until it's done. And you're held accountable, and you're held accountable, and you're held accountable. This is what I've given you to do, and if it's not done by the time I get back on my plane, then you're fired and someone else will be in your place.'" - After touring devastated areas of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, New Country superstar Tim McGraw was left pig-biting mad at the lack of recovery operations, half a year after the devastating natural disaster. *** **** *** "I fear for our country if we can't handle our people in a natural disaster. And I can't stand to see it. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out point A to point B... And they can't even skip from point A to point B. It's just screwed up." - McGraw's wife, fellow recording artist Faith Hill, can't understand it either. Look for a Dixie Chicks style backlash against the duo for being big phonies, just like that commie pinko fifth-columnist Billy Graham.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Tom Servo! A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby. "Is it yours?" she asks the Italian. "Certainly not," he replies. "Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity. "How about you?" she asks the Jew. "Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Crow for sending in today's second joke. A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license." The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Gypsy... An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75...' If he doesn't blink, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50...’ If he still doesn't blink, you add '...Each.’"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WHAT'S IN A BILLION? care of: Jan Thinking about the magnitude of a billion reminds me of the project that a high school class in Mississippi or Tennessee was given when they couldn't understand the magnitude of the toll of the Holocaust. Their teacher told them to collect one million paperclips. Their project became so daunting that it became a movie - Paperclips. If you haven't seen it, please try to find it. It's an incredible depiction of realizing what the magnitude of these numbers thrown around really is. And, it's a very enlightening movie. Here's something thought provoking - the next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases. a. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. b. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. c. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. d. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. e. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. DUST to DUST; ASHES to ASHES; remember, it's only money, so it only has meaning for a short while. - Jan [There was some crap about the "undeserving" victims of Hurricane Katrina at the end of this Soapbox, but I cut it. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MYOP Jerky, I got a question for people worried about a dirty bomb coming in shipping container. What if they just put the dirty bomb on a small boat and blow it up in the harbor? Let's say San Diego, Long Beach, San Francisco, New Orleans, Biloxi, Miami, Charleston, Newark, and the Hudson River simultaneously for example. No customs inspections to worry about. Cheap and easy. No pilot training, no fake passports, no national id cards needed. Don't even need the Internet. Just a Timex set to the proper time zone. Maybe a cell phone if you want to get fancy. A 35 foot sail boat will haul a hell of a lot of TNT. Just something to help you sleep at night. Yes I know a blast at sea level would be inefficient but there are ways to make it more efficient. YOP Sundy [Dirty bombs are a bogus threat. The biggest danger it poses is from the panic that would undoubtedly ensue if one went off in a densely populated area... a panic But don't take my word for it... here's what the United States government's own Nuclear Regulatory Commission has to say about the "danger" of dirty bombs. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Why don't we research every constitutional law that has been broken by Dubya and his administration? Wouldn't that be grounds for impeachment? McTubers [It would take too long! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, If they impeach Bush, wont that put Cheney in charge? David [Depends what he's impeached for. There could be a whole slew of indictments, in which case I doubt Cheney will escape unscathed. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I read this and felt like screaming. What is a man to do if he follows all the rules and laws and still ends up in jail? YOP, Bob [I feel the same way whenever I read a story about someone being arrested for drug possession. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I've heard it said that the true measure of the Republican base is 27% of the U.S population - because that's how many votes Alan Keyes got, and anyone who voted for such an obviously insane and worthless individual had to be doing it because of an unshakeable loyalty to party. So if Dubya's ratings are currently 34% that means there's only 7% of the population left who have the ability (but not yet the desire) to reject him. That could easily represent those people who are not fanatically loyal but are profiting from his policies (investors in Halliburton and similar industries), plus a few misguided folk who have enough of a life they haven't stopped to think about politics for a while (y'know, farmers and the like who spend whole days, going on years to decades, doing actual tiring work that leaves little time to be bothered about what goes on outside). Fame [You forgot to make your point! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerks; I refuse to believe that this exists. Best, David [I feel the same way about Circus Peanuts. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky.... Now that it's a slow news cycle and obviously open season on Dubya over his many fuck ups.... can we expect the Terrorist Threat levels to start to rise once again? Over the past five years that's always been a tried and true format for this administration. Cheers, Andy S. PS-I've been enjoying your website again just like in the old dayz. [I think the very near future holds more than just bogus terrorist threat levels, if you know what I mean. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com