FOX NEWS SECURITY GOONS AND MORE BILL O'REILLY - WTF?! In yer old pal Jerky's opinion, Bill O'Reilly is one of the most inscrutable, mysterious players on the contemporary politico-socio-cultural stage. On the one hand, he's clearly a ridiculous ass-clown. He's a thuggish, pompous, preening caricature of a human being; a living illustration of conservatism's warped ideal of manliness. A know-nothing know-it-all, his clumsy lies -- which he mostly spits out off the cuff for fear of having his encyclopaedic ignorance exposed -- crumble under a bare minimum of scrutiny. He's a living paradox; a sexual predator who masquerades as an upstanding moralist, and an arrogant, slander-spewing bully whose own ego is of such crystaline fragility that any criticism directed towards him -- no matter how mild or undeniable -- is grounds for launching all out war. In these wars, O'Reilly uses every weapon at his disposal. His prime-time perch on FOX News, his nationally syndicated, three-hour daily radio broadcast, his many books and his various newspaper columns have all served as ordnance in his personal battles against a host of blood enemies, including the dastardly likes of Al Franken, Keith Olbermann, the nation of France, people who say "Season's Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas", and the very concept of Truth, itself. And yet, despite all the times he's been exposed as a liar and a hypocrite, despite every failed frivolous lawsuit, despite every dark threat of physical retribution, despite every time he's come off as an unhinged psychopath on the edge of total mental collapse... there he is, day after day, night after night, occupying prime real estate on our TV screens, radio airwaves and bookstore shelves. The question is begged: WHY?! What purpose does it serve to have such a contemptible, shameless buffoon as the conservative movement's preeminent media personality? Nobody with a shred of common sense or a modicum of human dignity takes Bill O'Reilly seriously. They can't, because he won't allow them. O'Reilly swallows up all of conservatism's alleged character strengths and vomits them back up as perverse parodies of what they once were. Resoluteness becomes pig-headed obstinacy. Loyalty becomes blind obedience. Stoicism becomes shrill victimhood. Individualism becomes meddlesome pecksniffery. It's almost like FOX News is using O'Reilly as the human equivalent of one of those signs you see at the entrance to carnival rides: "You must be THIS STUPID to believe this shit." Maybe that's it. Maybe by being so intolerably awful, O'Reilly and his ilk are helping to winnow the truth-hungry wheat from the unquestioning, herd-like chaff. Studies have shown that FOX News watchers know less about current events than people who don't follow the news at all. This apparent contradiction makes sense only if the purpose of FOX News isn't to inform, but to indoctrinate. And as the house organ of The Powers That Be, that's exactly what they're doing. They're leading by example, providing ready-made role-models for the day -- and if TPTB have their way, that day is coming soon -- when all those mindless, nihilistic couch-potatoes are called upon to serve as the citizen spies, conformity enforcers and concentration camp guards of tomorrow. So you'd better get used to Bill O'Reilly's smug, blotchy face, because unless some drastic changes take place, it's the face of your future. *** **** *** MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA Colorado Congress-critter Marilyn Musgrave's use of uniformed military officers as eye-candy at partisan campaign events underlines the deep-rooted Republican belief that rules are for other people. Former top White House advisor Claude "White Shadow" Allen's recent arrest for retail fraud illustrates that they think the same thing about the law, too. In yet another indication that nobody knows anything about anything anymore, it turns out chocolate milk is GOOD for you. What next? Bacon cures obesity? Oh, wait... that's Atkins! According to researchers, it's looking like the North Atlantic ice-sheet has failed to revert to winter norms for the second year in a row, a possible indicator that Global Warming has already reached a point of no return. On the bright side, your chances of being eaten by a polar bear are growing slimmer with every passing year. If the damning evidence dug up by the ACLU turns out to be true -- and at first glance, it seems pretty legit to yer old pal Jerky -- then the United States government is, indeed, spying on people and groups solely because of their positions against the war in Iraq. It will be interesting to see if anybody out there gives a fuck. If this story is so tragic, then why can't I wipe the smirk off my face? Want to see the most horrifically awful Republican campaign commercial of all time? Click here. Want to see the most ridiculously pathetic Republican attack website of all time? Click here. Want to see the most hilarious and effective parody of a Republican attack website of all time? Click here. Curious as to what religion your favorite comic book characters practice? Find out here. Yer old pal Jerky was pleased to find out that Bruce Banner -- a.k.a. The Hulk -- is a non-believer. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 10 On this day in 1791, John Stone patents the Pile Driver. It would be nearly two centuries before another wrestling move was patented: Abdullah the Butcher's Sleeper Hold. On this day in the year 1893, the management of New Mexico State University cancel their very first graduation ceremony after the school's one and only graduate - an unlucky fellow with the studly moniker of Sam Steele - is robbed and murdered the night before. On this day in 1933, Nevada becomes the first US state to regulate narcotics, which is kind of ironic when you think about it. On this day in 1971, the Senate approves a constitutional amendment lowering the voting age to 18, even though they don't deserve it, those ungrateful hippy bastards!!! On this day in 1993, OBGYN David Gunn, a doctor who performed abortions, was shot three times in the back by a cowardly, murderous Christian thug during an anti-abortion protest at the Pensacola Women’s Medical Services clinic in Florida. Before pulling the trigger, the murderer, Michael Griffin, had been heard to shout: "Don’t kill any more babies!" The response issued by Rescue America - the group holding the protest at which the murder took place - was weak, to say the least. "While Gunn’s death is unfortunate," an official statement said, "it’s also true that quite a number of babies’ lives will be saved." Griffin's murder of Dr. Gunn sparked a wave of anti-choice terror resulting in numerous murders, as well as innumerable acts of assault, terroristic threats, vandalism, bombings, arson and all that other good stuff they teach in certain churches. Unfortunately, pro-lifers have, for the most part, acheived their goals. The tepid government response to their terrorism has led many abortionists to switch careers, thus severely limiting the availability of the procedure. March 11 On this day in 537 AD, the Goths lay siege to Rome, making off with the Empire's entire supply of black lace, skull rings, pancake makeup and Trent Reznor CDs. On this day in 1861, in Montgomery, Alabama, delegates from South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas adopt the Permanent Constitution of the Confederate States of America, which lasts a few measly, desperate years... not unlike Hitler's "thousand year" Reich. On this day in the year 1953, an American B-47 bomber plane accidentally drops a NUCLEAR FUCKING BOMB on South Carolina. Thanks to various failsafe measures, the bomb fails to detonate, thus robbing "the South" of yet another reason to bitch, moan and complain. Operating under the assumption that shitty movies deserve an awards show, too, the 3rd annual Blockbuster Entertainment Awards is held on this day in 1997. March 12 On this day in the year 1989, cyanide-dosed Chilean grapes are found in a Philadelphia packing plant. Meanwhile, in suicide-prone Sweden, sales of Chilean grapes go through the roof. Also on this day, in 1994, the Church of England ordains 33 women as priests. Less than a month later, "first menstruation" is declared a sacrament. Fashion pundits are stunned when PLO leader Yassar Arafat's appearance on Nightline on this day in 1982 fails to spark a tablecloth-turban craze, as they all predicted.

THEY SAID IT! "I am against judicial reforms driven by nakedly partisan reasoning. ... We must be ever-vigilant against those who would strong-arm the judiciary into adopting their preferred policies. It takes a lot of degeneration before a country falls into dictatorship, but we should avoid these ends by avoiding these beginnings." - Recently retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor -- a Republican, conservative-leaning Reagan appointee who helped deliver the White House to the Bush Crime Syndicate in 2000 -- seems to have developed a serious case of conspirator's remorse. *** **** *** "Better to be a fascist than a faggot." - In her blunt defense of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, fascist dictator Bennito Mussolini's grandaughter proves that the shit doesn't stray far from the asshole.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Mushmouth! Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?" Uh-uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it, and finally everybody was happy. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Irving for sending in today's second joke. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... Are-my-test-results-back?” WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by River Bob... A yuppie business woman in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her favorite suit had been badly wrinkled during the flight, she phoned the front desk and asked to have the hotel's valet service pick up the suit for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door and there stood an elderly Chinaman. Impressed by the speedy service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" "No ma'am," replied the old Chinaman, "I come get laundry."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: SMALL FARMERS UP AGAINST THE WALL care of: Downey Herr PanzerJerky, In Texas, the National Animal Identification System (NAIS, RFID tracking system planned to cover the entire nation) is being ramped up, with opposition from small, local and organic food producers. The NAIS as it has been described in Texas will force all "livestock" owners to pay $10 a year per animal with a $1000 fine per day per animal for non-compliance. Corporate Agri-Businesses will be allowed to batch register their flocks, herds, whatever. So me, on my little farm with a few hundred animals, would pay thousands of dollars a year just to stay registered and within the law. A corporation with 10,000 animals would pay a few hundred dollars. This could very well be the standard that all other states take when enacting the NAIS in other states. All movement of animals for any reason, off of the premises (which also much be registered with the Federal NAIS) is required to be submitted electronically within 24 hours. Any veteraniarian, police officer or other official noticing a potentially unregistered animal are required to report this to some authority. Obligating citizens to spy on each other. The extra costs to the small and local producers will drive most of us to sell off our animals. There would be an sharp decrease in fertilizer and manure that isn't filled with chemicals, toxins, hormones, and bacteria that are often found in the manure removed from factory farms ( known also as "conventional farming," how ironic ). There are quite a few hobbyists that raise endangered and rare species of livestock to protect bio-diversity, that would no longer be able to afford the upkeep of their hobby. Nowhere on the USDA website states that a "premises" is defined as JUST a "farm." Nowhere on the USDA website does it state that the NAIS will affect ONLY "livestock" animals. Animal shelters, animal fostering programs, people who take their dogs jogging and organic farming will all be affected. There is more information on the links below. Actually getting off my ass and trying to start something local in my state of Arkansas to try to see that this doesn't happen here. Good resource with flyers and handouts against NAIS: http://nonais.org/ A Texas group currently fighting NAIS in their state. Could use some letters to their politicians from the witty keyboards of the Daily Dirt readers: http://www.tofga.org/ - Downey [Thanks for your insights, Downey. Much appreciated. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! A few Dirts back, you answered a reader's question about anything good comming out of Texas and all you had was BBQ and chili! My dear coon-assed cajun swamp freak... You KNOW we have some of the tastiest pussy and ass that ever graced GODZILLA'S green earth. And how oh, how could you forget the legend on the six strings himself... Mr. Stevie Ray "FUCKING" Vaughn himself a True Texan! Keep up the best news-porn site on the web and look me up if ever your in Texas! Thanks for nothing, Caesar V. [I'll give you SRV (pbuh), but Texas has only the seventh best pussy on a state-wide basis. - Jerky] *** **** *** Thanks for your left leaning B.S.! It's nice to know what the real smart people in our country think of the world situation and quite possibly one of your Impossible DEMOCRATS will become our next president and do the same kind of sparkling job Clinton did! Keep me posted on your left leaning crap! G W "Whit" Whitfield [I hear you, man. Eight years of peace and prosperity? What a horrible fucking nightmare that would be. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hay Pal. I see that Claude Asshole Allen got busted. He was one of Dubya's boys nominated to the court of appeals. He was the guy that once kept medicaid funds for an abortion from a rape victim. I think he should go to jail in SD. Too bad he can't get prego. Not that his new room mates wont try... YOP RASTY [It couldn't have happened to a nicer asshole. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Can you tell the difference between a computer language creator and a serial killer? We only got 7. We seldom see a geek round these parts. Nan or Ben [I got 8. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; That Juggernaut clip was fucking HILARIOUS, Dude! Everytime I watch that goddamn thing, I laugh my fucking ASS off. Good score! McTubers [Those guys need a show. Especially that one guy. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, There was a link from a Staff Sargent on you most recent edition. I went to the site and to my surprise it was for Perazzi. If that was the weapon that was involved it the "Shot Heard Round the World" at least The VP has taste. Perazzi is indeed the Rolls Royce of Shotguns. Long time reader, Mike [Sure, it's expensive. But it's still a ladies' gun. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, you bloody charlatan! I have the DailyDirt on my computer as a favorite site and I each morning I check for your latest postings. Last Sunday a.m. I checked and no new Dirt. I also checked later in the day. Still nothing. During the Oscar ceremonies, Jessica Alba was introduced and I checked on the Internet Movie Database (IMDb) for who the hell she's supposed to be (Sorry, give me Sanaa Lathan). A picture was avaiable and somehow it looked a bit familiar. IMDb had already posted her red carpet appearance!! The Oscar credits only began to roll when I checked for a new Dirt and, sho' 'nuf, there were your Oscar predictions, nice and accurate and right on. Just like Jessica Alba. Introduce me to your bookie. I got a bundle I'd like to place on the '69 Mets.... Sweeney. [You're the only reader who has claimed this so far. My Oscar picks were uploaded in the mid-afternoon, on Oscar Sunday. Always remember to hit refresh! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com